The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
This year has been a year of trials and tribulations. This wasn’t something I had anticipated, but I’m not sure whether one can anticipate such things.
I felt these challenges were thrust upon me, coming left of field, yet it was me who brought them upon myself.
Clearly, challenges serve a purpose – to learn lessons and crack open another layer, letting more light to enter within. In this way, 2014 was a year of self-discovery.
My first major trial for the year was to finish and launch my ebook, which I did in early February.
The product itself is merely a tip of the iceberg. What lay beneath was not only a lot of hard work, but also self-created anguish around marketing and launching the book. To be honest, that took the joy out of the accomplishment – having to hustle (ugh!) using cookie-cutter online selling techniques. You either enjoy that stuff or you don’t. I learnt that I don’t – it killed my mojo.
Eventually, I grasped that I’m not an entrepreneur – nor do I want to be – and that I don’t need to go down that path even if I do create something to sell. It’s the creating that I enjoy – and the pressure of launching, for me, just roadblocks everything.
I’d rather make sales through people who genuinely want to support me, trust and enjoy my work, and value my integrity – rather than enticing them to buy something. For me, business has to align with my core values.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. There were a few painful months in between.
About a month after my book launched, I turned 40. I didn’t handle that very well either. I lost my sense of self-assurance that I had in my thirties. I began to question everything. I can’t ‘blame’ one specific thing, but the many things that were going on in my head – and how I projected them into life.
Mostly, though, it had to do with The Mindful Foodie – that is, how to earn money from it, and me trapping my identity within it. I’d mistakenly looked outward for the answers. What I saw was extremism in the ‘real food’ scene, and the narcissism of personal branding through social media. My gut kept twisting in a knot – it knew that I didn’t want to be a part of this. I had to shut off the noise.
What eventuated was learning a very hard lesson:
How much I earn or ‘playing it big’ is not tied up with my self-worth.
But observing others online can easily delude you into this.
After coming to many realisations – about business and life – I finally began to add the colour back to my life and trust my gut. For I had been hiding.
I didn’t get out of my funk by myself. I had some help. Massive thanks to Alexandra Franzen, whose newsletters and posts on love, life and business made me feel ok for what I wanted – to do business my way, with integrity; as well as to my reiki sessions with the beautiful and gentle Katie Wong, who helped me realise that writing is what feeds me – literally and figuratively. Finally, it was my trip to Sri Lanka that put the pieces together.
Sometimes we have to go through painful situations to become more aware of who we are. And I now feel that I’m ending 2014 and beginning 2015 on a much solid foundation of trust – of self and of life.
All in all, a very successful year.